Why?

Why do I always freak out before I try something new? It doesn't matter what it is, volunteering at the soup kitchen, starting my pre-school job here, or going to my first Bible study leader's meeting, I almost always go into a frenzy of nerves and I get super snappy and irritable with anyone around me. My poor family is usually on the receiving end of it. Last night I did the same thing right before I left for my leader's meeting. I get so stressed entering a new circle of people. I snapped at the kids b/c they were going wild (did I mention "eyeballs" last night) and left Payton in tears and was in a terrible mood the whole drive down to church. I was on the verge of tears myself, forming all these excuses in my head of how I could get out of this responsibility, "I'm not in a good place right now" or "we're in transition" blah, blah, blah. My stomach felt sick, my pits sweaty and of course I get there and they're the loveliest group of women and I was very blessed by my time there. I felt like God had so much to teach me just by listening to each of the ladies' testimonies about what God's doing in their lives. I was almost embarrassed to talk to God and tell him thanks for somehow getting me there even though I was very unwilling to go at first. I am such a child in so many ways. I do feel incredibly weak in some ways to be leading a ministry right now but isn't that just exactly how God wants us so He can do HIS thing? I feel like He's been breaking me down lately so He can rebuild me the way He desires me. It's painful and tiring, but I look forward to what's ahead!
On a lighter note, I've been teaching at Jonah's pre-school this first week to get used to the routine and familiar with the kids so when I sub it goes smoothly. Jonah isn't too certain about having "mom" there on his turf. He's told me a few times that I "should just go home to my house". But today he came up and gave me a few big hugs at school and loves to call me "Mrs. Osborne" with a smirk when I have my nametag on. I love that kid.